HOW TO STOP CHASING PEOPLE AND PURSUE AUTHENTIC FRIENDSHIP

I didn’t realize how much of my life I had spent chasing people… until I finally stopped.

On the surface, it looked like I was just being a good friend. I was the one reaching out, checking in, making plans, following up—trying to keep every relationship afloat. I told myself I was being intentional. Loving. Available. But beneath all that effort was something I didn’t want to admit: I was depleted… and deeply exhausted.

Then I read the story of the Woman at the Well (John 4) and saw myself in her. Thirsty. Searching. Showing up empty again and again, hoping someone—or something—would finally satisfy. So I came to Jesus with that emptiness and asked Him to fill what striving never could. I shared more of that journey in a recent post if you’d like to read it here.

And as I began to quietly step back, to loosen my grip on relationships I was trying to carry on my own, God gently started to show me something new—what it actually looks like to pursue authentic, life-giving friendships. And it changed everything.

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE TO CHASE PEOPLE

Chasing people doesn’t always look unhealthy on the outside. In fact, it can look a lot like love and connection.

But the difference is in the motivation.

When I was chasing people, I was:

• Focused on getting my needs met
• Driven by my emotions and shifting feelings
• Stuck in one-sided patterns where I gave, hoped, and waited
• Constantly drained and depleted
• Rooted in fear and insecurity
• Living in a cycle that often fueled anxious attachment

I didn’t use those words at the time, but I felt the weight of them.

I would overextend myself to maintain connection. I would interpret silence as rejection. I would carry the responsibility of the relationship almost entirely on my own shoulders.

And the hardest part?

It still didn’t produce the closeness I was longing for.

Because chasing people can never create what only mutual, healthy connection can sustain.

HOW FINDING FULFILLMENT IN GOD SETTLED MY HEART

There wasn’t one dramatic moment where everything changed. Instead, it was a quiet, gradual awakening—one that I now recognize as God’s loving invitation.

And it took me to another woman’s story in the Bible–Mary.

Let’s briefly review the short encounter Jesus has with Martha and Mary at their house in Luke 10:38-42 (NLT):

³⁸ As Jesus and the disciples continued on their way to Jerusalem, they came to a certain village where a woman named Martha welcomed him into her home. ³⁹ Her sister, Mary, sat at the Lord’s feet, listening to what he taught. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by the big dinner she was preparing. She came to Jesus and said, “Lord, doesn’t it seem unfair to you that my sister just sits here while I do all the work? Tell her to come and help me.”

⁴¹ But the Lord said to her, “My dear Martha, you are worried and upset over all these details! ⁴² There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her.”

While I would love to tell you I identified with Mary in this story, God was showing me that I was acting much more like Martha, thinking that my initiating, serving, chasing, and doing was faithful, loving, and good.

But it wasn’t. It was overwhelming, leading me to bitterness and resentment instead of contentment and connection.

I learned that I can be doing all the “right” things in relationships and still be quietly exhausted, empty, and longing to be seen, valued, and understood.

But let’s take a closer look at how Jesus responds to Martha. He is gentle, kind, and takes the time to speak to her. He points to Mary who is sitting, receiving, and being filled and invites her to choose the same things. He tells her to stop chasing connection through constant chasing and choose the “one thing that is needed.”

And so that is what I did. I stopped. I listened. I opened my eyes. And I started noticing patterns:

• Who always initiated?
• Who followed through?
• Who showed genuine care and interest?
• Who only responded when it was convenient?

And instead of trying harder to “fix” those dynamics, I felt God asking me a different question:

What if you stopped chasing… and started discerning?

That question changed everything. Because it shifted my focus from control to clarity.

WHAT IT MEANS TO PURSUE RELATIONSHIPS INSTEAD

Pursuing relationships is not passive. It doesn’t mean you stop reaching out or investing in others. But it does mean your approach is grounded in truth rather than fear.

Healthy, God-honoring relationships look different. They are:

• Focused on building mutual connection
• Guided by shared values and purpose
• Reciprocal—both people give and receive
• Life-giving and soul-nourishing
• Rooted in God’s love and provision
• Built on authenticity, not performance

When I began to shift from chasing to pursuing, I noticed something almost immediately:

Peace. Contentment. Even stillness.

I no longer felt responsible for forcing connection. I no longer overanalyzed every interaction. I no longer felt the need to prove my worth through constant availability.

Instead, I began to rest in a deeper truth:

The right relationships don’t require me to chase them.

HOW TO SHIFT FROM CHASING TO PURSUING BY LETTING GO

One of the hardest—and most freeing—things I’ve learned is this: Not every relationship is meant to be pursued in the same way.

Letting go of chasing doesn’t mean you stop caring about people. It means you release the pressure to maintain something God may not be asking you to hold onto.

• You stop over-functioning in relationships
• You allow space for others to show up (or not)
• You trust God with the outcome
• You invest where there is mutual fruit

And yes… sometimes it means grieving.

Because when you stop chasing, you may realize that some relationships don’t continue.

That can be painful. But it’s also clarifying.

Because what remains are the connections that are real, reciprocal, and rooted in something deeper than effort.

If you’re ready to make this shift, start small.

Ask yourself:

• Am I initiating from a place of peace or pressure?
• Is this relationship mutual, or am I carrying it alone?
• Do I feel drained or filled after spending time with this person?
• Am I trusting God with this connection—or trying to control it?

Then, begin to realign your actions with truth:

• Pull back where you’ve been overextending.
• Invest more deeply in relationships that are life-giving.
• Allow space for others to meet you halfway.
• Spend time with God, letting Him meet your deepest needs.

This isn’t about becoming guarded or distant. It’s about becoming grounded.

One of the most beautiful outcomes of this shift is that relationships become lighter.

More joyful.
More authentic.
More aligned with God’s design.

You start to experience connection that doesn’t feel forced. Conversations that don’t leave you second-guessing. Friendships where you can show up as your true self—not a version of yourself striving to be enough.

Because you already are. You found your fulfillment and identity in Christ, sitting at His feet and being in His presence, like Mary did.

When you stop chasing people and start pursuing relationships, you make room for something better: Connection that reflects the heart of God.

WHY WE MAY STILL CHASE (IT’S A LEARNING PROCESS!)

If you see yourself in this, you’re not alone.

Many of us—especially as women who deeply value connection—fall into the trap of chasing because we were created for relationship. That desire isn’t wrong…it is exactly how God designed us!

But when it’s not rooted in God’s truth, it can easily become distorted.

What we need to constantly remind ourselves of is this: We are already fully known and deeply loved by God.

When our identity is secure in Him, we don’t have to grasp for validation in others.

If you’ve been stuck in a cycle of chasing, there is no shame here.

Only an invitation.

An invitation to release what was never yours to carry.
An invitation to trust God more deeply with your relationships.
An invitation to step into the kind of connection your soul has been craving all along.

You don’t have to chase to be chosen. You already are.

And from that place of security, you can begin to pursue relationships in a way that is healthy, life-giving, and rooted in truth.

That’s the kind of connection worth building. And I hope you’ll join us here as we seek to do that together.