HOW TO PRAY FOR SOMEONE WHO HURT YOU (AND ACTUALLY FIND PEACE)

While having coffee with a friend, we found ourselves talking through a shared hurt—one of those situations that lingers a little longer than you’d like. As I processed it out loud, she gently said, “I’ve been praying for them every day.”

I paused.
Really?

Praying… for them? Every day? Her simple admission convicted me because it is exactly what Jesus calls us to do. But I wondered how I could do it.

WHEN PRAYING FOR THEM FEELS IMPOSSIBLE

The conversation made me pause and ponder because my friend was not doing what I had been doing:

• Replaying it all in my mind.
• Thinking about what I should have said or now want to say.
• Holding onto the hurt a little tighter than I should.

Praying for them was the last thing on my list, and certainly not something I felt compelled to do. Forgive them? Maybe. But more than that, I just wanted to forget them entirely—to put as much distance as possible between us. Praying is an active, intentional act—one fueled by grace and mercy—and I wasn’t ready to extend that kind of compassion.

When someone betrays us, insults us, overlooks us, or undervalues us, praying for them can seem impossible. We may choose to withhold retaliation or revenge. We may decide to let it go or not talk badly about them, but actively asking God to help, protect, and even bless them can feel beyond our capability and understanding. Yet that is exactly what Jesus calls us to do.

WHAT JESUS SAYS ABOUT PRAYING FOR THOSE WHO HURT YOU

Jesus is clear in the Sermon on the Mount when he tells us:

“You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the supple moves of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves.”

Matthew 5: 43-45 (MSG)

But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you.  Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.”

Luke 6:27-28 (NLT)

Pray for the friend who betrays you.

That family member who takes you for granted.

The boss who overlooks your worth.

That one who judges what they don’t understand.

The neighbor who dismisses your presence.

That online stranger who wounds with words.

Yes, we are called to pray for THEM.

All of them (and many whom I have not listed).

Remember when I said this feels impossible?

It is.

Left to ourselves, we don’t pray for those who hurt us—we replay it, defend it, and hold onto it. We don’t have the strength to respond with grace and truth on our own.

But with God, everything shifts. What feels impossible in our strength becomes possible through His Spirit working in us.

Jesus never calls us to do something He hasn’t equipped us to do. And when He tells us to pray for our enemies, it’s not just for their sake—it’s for ours.

Because He knows what holding onto hurt does to our hearts…and how much freedom comes when we finally release it.

HOW TO PRAY FOR SOMEONE WHO HURT YOU (EVEN WHEN IT STILL HURTS)

I wish there were a simple formula I could give you—something neat and easy to follow—to help you effortlessly live out what Jesus calls us to do: pray for those who hurt you. Trust me, I have been searching for one!

You know I’ve shared a lot about prayer in this space—it’s one of my deepest passions. I believe in it. I’ve seen God move through it. I’ve experienced the peace it brings. You can check out some of those posts here (and there are many more, just use “prayer” as a keyword search and you will find them!).

5 Simple Daily Prayers

The One Prayer That Will Change Your Life

5 Powerful Ways to Pray for Your Adult Children

But can I be brutally honest with you? Learning to pray for those who hurt you is deeply personal, soul-searching work. This might be the hardest kind of prayer there is.

Because it’s not just about saying the right words.
It’s about surrendering a real wound.
A real name.
A real situation that still hurts.

And I can’t tie that up in a neat bow or give you five simple steps to make it easy.

But I can tell you what has helped me…I pray for them by name, and I encourage you to do the same.

When the betrayal breaks your heart… pray for them.
When old wounds resurface and ache again… pray for them.
When you’re tempted to defend or get even… pray for them.
When they never acknowledge the hurt… pray for them.
When you’re misunderstood and wrongly judged… pray for them.
When you feel unseen, alone, or forgotten… pray for them.

Not in a polished or perfect way.
Sometimes it’s through tears.
Sometimes it’s short and simple.
Sometimes it’s just, “God, help me want to pray for them.”

But there is something powerful about bringing that specific person before the Lord—
not avoiding it, not generalizing it, but placing their name in His hands.

Because prayer doesn’t instantly erase the pain, but it begins to loosen its grip.

And over time, something shifts.
Not always in them.
But in me.

WHAT PRAYING FOR THEM DOES AND DOES NOT MEAN

Yes, when we pray for those who have hurt us—with sincerity, grace, and truth—it is good for them. That is what Jesus desires. But we can’t overlook this: praying for them is also good for us.

When we hold onto hurt, replay the pain, and carry the weight of what someone has done, it doesn’t just stay with them… it stays in us.
And over time, it begins to harden, drain, and quietly crush our hearts.

But prayer transforms us from the inside out.

When we bring that person before the Lord—by name, with honesty, even through tears—we begin to release what we were never meant to carry.

Through prayer, the Holy Spirit can soften our hearts and produce the Fruit of the Spirit in our lives.
Through prayer, we can extend the same mercy and grace that Jesus has given to us.
Through prayer, we take part in living out Christ’s kingdom here on earth.

God doesn’t ask us to pray for those who hurt us just for their sake—
He invites us into it because He knows what it will do in us.

But before we go any further, let me gently say this—because I know this is where it can get confusing.

Praying for someone does not mean:

• Allowing full access to your life.
• Putting yourself in an abusive or harmful situation.
• Approving of wrong or sinful behavior.

Praying for someone and setting boundaries can—and should—coexist.

You can truly, honestly, and fervently pray for someone you may not think deserves it…
not only because Jesus calls you to, but also because it protects your heart.

Because this is how you love unconditionally, preserve your joy, and live at peace—as far as it depends on you.

WHO IS “THEM” FOR YOU?

So let me challenge you—
Who is “them” for you right now?

Say their name to the Lord today.

Not to replay the hurt…but to release it and walk in freedom.

Not to check off a list…but to move forward with hope and peace.

Not to change them…but to allow God to change you.

Yes, pray for even them.

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