WHY FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT IS NO LONGER THE BEST ADVICE

“Fake it till you make it.” This is a mantra I have repeated to my children, my students, and most of all, myself over the past thirty years. But lately, I have questioned if this is still the best advice. I am not sure if it is working for me anymore…and here’s why.

THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

According to Wikipedia: “Fake it till you make it” (or “Fake it until you make it“) is an English aphorism which suggests that by imitating confidence, competence, and an optimistic mindset, a person can realize those qualities in their real life.

Not bad advice, right? I used to think so.

REAL-LIFE EXAMPLES OF FAKING IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

“Fake it till you make it” is how I taught my children to apologize to each other when they were younger. After one brother hit another, stole his favorite toy, or screamed insults at him, I would encourage them to ” hug and make up” by repeating:

I am sorry. I love you. You’re my brother forever.

You can imagine the scene…rolling eyes, hugs that were a little too forceful, and words that were utterly devoid of any real meaning.

But, in my mind, I was teaching them to “fake it till you make it,” hoping that one day the true feelings would follow.

I also employed this method when I was a high school English teacher, urging my students to participate in Socratic discussions by “faking” that they had something thoughtful and insightful to contribute, even when they thought the topic was boring or lame.

Again, I believed that if my students “acted as if” they were engaged and interested, eventually they would be.

ACTING “AS IF” AS A WAY OF FAKING IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

Lastly, I have personally adopted this strategy in areas of my life where I have lacked confidence, knowledge, or motivation: reaching out when I feel shy, acting as if I know what I am talking about when I have no clue, or putting on a brave face when I am terrified. I am sure you have done these things too.

Amy Morin, in an article for Psychology Today, explains:

Acting “as if” is a common prescription in psychotherapy. It’s based on the idea that if you behave like the person you want to become, you’ll become like this in reality:

If you want to feel happier, do what happy people do—smile.
If you want to get more work done, act as if you are a productive person.
If you want to have more friends, behave like a friendly person.
If you want to improve your relationship, practice being a good partner.

Too often we hesitate to spring into action. Instead, we wait until everything feels just right or until we think we’re ready. But research shows that changing your behavior first can change the way you think and feel.“

“When to Fake It Till You Make It” Amy Morin, Psychology Today

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT STRATEGY

I just gave you three solid examples of how and why the “fake it till you make it” strategy can work in parenting, professionally, and personally, so you may be wondering why I am questioning this advice.

DO FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS?

But do feelings always follow actions? If you ACT like:

• you are sorry
• you are interested
• you are confident

Does it naturally follow that you will FEEL that way?

Maybe. Sometimes. But not always.

And that is where I am struggling. When the feelings do not follow the actions, I think I am phony, fake, and inauthentic. Like I am putting on some show for the world and have absolutely nothing to back it up. That if I took off the mask and revealed my true feelings, it would scare and drive people away. Can you relate?

THE WRONG MOTIVES FOR FAKING IT

Any time you feel you are not true to yourself or your beliefs, it is a good idea to check your motives. If our goal of “faking it” is to gain the approval or acceptance of others, we might be misusing this strategy.

Faking it until you make it only works when you correctly identify something within yourself that’s holding you back. Behaving like the person you want to become is about changing the way you feel and the way you think.

If your motives are to prove your worth to other people, however, your efforts won’t be successful, and research shows that this approach actually backfires.“

“When to Fake It Till You Make It” Amy Morin, Psychology Today

IS THERE AN ALTERNATIVE TO FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT?

While I continue to see the value of the “fake it till you make it” strategy (and will probably continue to use it in certain situations), I have been wondering if there is an alternative.

Because I am all about connecting my life and my faith, seeking answers usually involves asking God, reading my Bible, and listening to His voice.

Rarely does it include getting wisdom from a t-shirt slogan! 😉

However, when I saw a graphic t-shirt with a different spin on this phrase, I had to stop and consider if there could be some truth in this alternate perspective.

WHAT DOES “FAITH IT TILL YOU MAKE IT” MEAN?

While this phrase may fall short doctrinally on some levels, I think the underlying sentiment is closer to the wisdom God is revealing to me.

Let’s make a quick comparison between FAKE and FAITH.

BIBLICAL DEFINITION OF FAITH

The biblical definition of faith helps further clarify the difference between “faking it” and “faithing it“.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

Hebrews 11:1( ESV)

When we try to “fake it till we make it” we rely on our inner strength and willpower to force ourselves to act and feel (hopefully, eventually) a certain way. We often feel like a phony as we put on our masks that project confidence, competence, and contentment. It can be exhausting, providing us only temporary satisfaction.

SCRIPTURE VERSES ON HOW TO CHOOSE FAITH

On the other hand, when we swap out “fake” for “faith,” it changes everything! We depend on God as the source of our confidence and wisdom. True faith is grounded in God’s Word instead of the fluctuating and fleeting feelings of faking it.

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.”

Romans 10:17

Christ rescues us from the imposter syndrome that causes doubt and fear by reminding us that He has done the work for us. We do not have to pretend anymore; we just need to accept His free gift of grace.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

Ephesians 2: 8-9 (ESV)

And by trusting God, we can let go of deceiving ourselves and others that we have it all together and all figured out. We can rest securely in God’s provision, protection, and plan.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. See his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT)

HOW TO “FAITH IT” INSTEAD OF “FAKE IT”

I am not sure that “fake it till you make it” is always bad advice, but I do believe that God has given me a better way. Trusting in Him and in things I do not see releases me from relying on my strength to act or feel a certain way to please others. Instead, I can have faith that God is working through the Holy Spirit to mold me into who He wants me to be.

The truth is we all have to “fake it till we make it” sometimes. Want to join a community where you can meet others who are seeking honesty and authenticity? I would love to have you as a fellow traveler here AT THE CROSSROADS. Sign up by filling out the form below, and you will receive weekly blog posts, monthly newsletters, free resources, and more!

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