MY CONNECTION STORY OF PAIN & PROMISE

 

I believe that sharing some of my personal connection story of pain and promise might be a good way for me to end this series.  It is also a good way for me to be brave because this is not easy for me…

I ran away from this truth for years, not really wanting to accept that I needed (and actually longed for) connection in my life.

BRAVE is a word I chose for 2016 to challenge myself to get going and continue down this path by taking the next right step.  I hit the ground running by jumping head first into my first blog series in January and asked you to come along for the ride.  Thankfully, many of you did!

I shared with you the purpose and passion of AT THE CROSSROADS is CONNECTION:

Connecting faith and life, connecting passion and purpose, and

connecting people of like minds and hearts with each other. 

I tried to be completely honest and vulnerable with you about my need for connection and community, but the truth is no matter how you are wired—whether you call yourself an extrovert or introvert, socially savvy or socially awkard, energized by people or drained by people—we are all created by God for connection and community.

Something deep in our souls, whether we choose to admit it or not, longs for meaningful and authentic relationships with others.

We want to know others and be known by them.  I believe God actually built this need for connection into our DNA because we are made in His image.

So here goes my story…

It started back in the second grade when Katie asked me to eat lunch with her. Gladly I accepted. Later at recess, Lisa also asked me to eat lunch with her and I readily welcomed her invitation too, thinking I was so popular to have two friends to eat lunch with that day! 😉  I am sure many of you can already guess how this story ends, but I was clueless. When I got to the school cafeteria, eager to eat with both Katie and Lisa, what I found instead were two angry girls and a place all by myself at the lunch table.

Elementary school did not go much better after that lunch encounter as I struggled to learn the “rules” of friendship among my peers. I tried to connect, but after failing miserably, I gave up and turned to books instead (they proved to be much easier to deal with!).  I navigated middle school and high school easier by amassing a lot of acquaintances but not many true, close friends. My goal was to be liked and avoid confrontation. I joined every club, volunteered for every activity, and tried to meet as many people as I could.  I guarded my heart and feelings and moved on quickly from hurt and disappointment. For a long time, I wondered if true connection was even possible or worth the effort.

It was not until college that I began to learn what it meant to find a kindred spirit. I found it in my first roommate…who ironically was assigned to me randomly (yes, that is how roommates were chosen in the “olden days”).  After much persistence and perseverance on her part, I finally let her in, and we became true, deep friends.  Sadly, she transferred after our freshman year and it was hard for me to open up again.  Marriage and a career came soon after and did not leave me much time or energy to invest in making connections…I was more than content with the few that I had.

It was only after having my children and making the decision to stay at home full time did I start to recognize my desperate need for healthy and authentic relationships with others.  My husband could not meet all my needs (nor was he meant to!), I did not have any close family living nearby, and being surrounded by three boys under the age of four was starting to slowly drive me insane.  I craved companionship, connection, and communication (with adults)!

Thus began my journey…

In my pursuit of connection, I did make friends.  A lot of them, actually.  I connected with all kinds of people in many different spheres of my life.  I had a group at my church, a group in my neighborhood, a group I volunteered with, a group of couples, a group of young moms, a group at the pool, a group with the baseball, football, and basketball teams my sons played on…and the list goes on and on.  I wanted connection and worked diligently to make it happen.  I fondly remember those years, but the memories are bittersweet.

There were good times. Laughs. Parties. Adventures. Always something to do and someone to do it with.

There were serious times too.  Long talks.  Cries.  Taking care of each other’s kids.  Bringing meals when someone needed help.  Praying together.  Going through hard things.

I wish I could tell you that “they all lived happily after,” but that would not be the truth. The same “rules” that tripped me up in second grade came back to haunt me as an adult (who knew they still existed?).

I was blindsided by people that I poured my heart, soul, and life into because they were looking at the relationship in a totally different way.  There was a disconnect and it took me a long time to see it.

People that I considered confidants, kindred spirits, and close friends only saw me as a  buddy to hang out with or a casual acquaintance.  They wanted to be my friend because I was useful to them in some way (and that is not totally wrong or bad) and when that need was no longer there, neither was I!  Or they were my friends as long as I did what they wanted and went along with the “program”…when I expressed different views, thoughts, or opinions, I was no longer welcomed in the group.  Again, I was guilty of misjudging and misreading both people and situations.

Looking back, I can see now that I did not quite understand how friendships functioned. Yes, I wanted to “connect,” but I did not really know what that meant or that there were different types of connections. I think we often go through stages of life and friendships without ever thinking about the purpose of those friendships. In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis provides some helpful wisdom on the purpose of friendship:

“We picture lovers face to face but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead. That is why those people who simply ‘want friends” can never make any. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends. Friendship must be about something…”

In my longing to connect and have friends, I never took to the time to ask myself those crucial questions:  What are my friendships about?  Why do I want to connect?  What is the purpose of this connection?  (I really should have.)

About five years ago, I went through one of the most painful and lonely times in my life in regards to my friends. Again, I was caught off guard…thinking and believing one thing and being awakened to a very different reality.  Every meaningful connection I had was impacted in some way.  Some needed serious attention and repair.  Some were weakened and barely hanging on.  And some were totally severed. It was heart wrenching, humbling, and isolating.  It forced me to turn inward and examine my own heart and turn upward to reconnect with God.

I was transported back to elementary school playing alone at recess as I overheard the other girls whispering and giggling as they pointed and stared at me.  I wanted to run, hide, and completely disappear.  I fought hard to stay above the tidal waves of sadness and despair that crashed into me daily…to anchor my soul in Christ and learn and grow during this season of being disconnected.  I knew the importance of connection and did not want this to break me and keep me from risking and reaching out again.

And I am here to tell you that I survived!  There is hope and healing.  That is why connection means so much to me and AT THE CROSSROADS.  I know what it feels like to be disconnected.  I still struggle with those feelings because I continue to walk the path. I have not arrived…and probably will not till I reach heaven and then understand what connection is truly meant to be, but I press on…and I encourage you to take my hand and do the same.

God taught me lessons about CONNECTION on my painful journey that I could have never learned or appreciated in any other way.  I can say that although others may have meant to hurt me, God used it all for my good and His glory.  Like Joseph said to his brothers who mistreated and abandoned him in Genesis 50:20 (NLT)

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.”

I am not sure if I will save many lives like Joseph did, but I do hope I can bring some hope and encouragement to those who are struggling to connect.

It is with gratitude on this #ThankfulThursday that I share my story with you and thank God for the authentic, faithful, and strong connections He has brought into my life.  After several years of seeking counterfeit connections, I now know what real connections look like and seek them with intention and purpose.  I also have a responsibility to be a woman of connection and bring others together.

I hope to put this CONNECTION SERIES into an e-book format, adding some additional stories, resources, and Bible verses, tips, and questions and make it available for FREE to all of my faithful followers.

It has been my privilege and pleasure to CONNECT with you on this journey…I am humbled that you took the time to walk with me on this path!

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