Have you ever heard of parallel talking…it is one of simplest ways to engage your kids.
My husband and I have the privilege of attending an amazing church that is continually providing us resources to make those crucial connections between our faith and our daily lives. One area in which we could use constant support, guidance, wisdom is in the area of parenting. Can I get an amen? I think this quote from P.J. O’Rourke is not only hysterical but rings very true:
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
I do not think I have experienced anything else in my life that has simultaneously brought me so much joy and pain, laughter and tears, as well as struggle and success. Parenting is the most difficult yet most rewarding job I have ever had!
So when our church decided to offer a “Parenting Your Teen” workshop, my husband and I were all in…learning from experts on the subjects of parental calling, marital harmony, discipling, emotional health, and sexuality among a host of other topics has been so very beneficial to us. Although we have one son in college, one almost there, a 16 year-old, and a preteen…we know there is still so much we need to learn!
Last week our pastor, Joe Coffey, talked about discipling your teen and what it really means to connect with your child and have some of those deeper conversations about faith, doubt, purpose, and life goals. Among the many practical suggestions he offered, one of my favorites was what he called, “PARALLEL TALKING.”
I resonated so deeply with this concept because I realized I had been practicing it weekly without even knowing it! (Yes, sometimes we do get it right!)
PARALLEL TALKING is the idea of talking to your teen while engaging in another activity such as driving in the car, shooting hoops, working outside on a project, or cooking/baking together in the kitchen.
The parallel part comes in because although you are engaged in a conversation, you are side by side instead of face to face. Does that make sense?
I have been around young people most of my life as a high school teacher, youth volunteer, and parent to notice that kids often have a hard time looking you in the eye when the conversation turns serious, deep, or emotional. As parents we need to be sensitive to this and proactively use the time we have with our kids doing ordinary, every day activities to engage in thoughtful and meaningful conversations.
For me, the car has always been great place to do this. Why? Well, for starters, you have a pretty captive audience since most kids, even if the conversation turns difficult, would think twice about jumping out of a moving vehicle!
Seriously, as a mother of four, it is often hard to get that one-on-one time with each of my children. Yes, it is both important and worthwhile to schedule coffee or dinner dates with each of your children, but the reality of that is much more tricky with our busy schedules. However, I do often find myself with just one of my kids in the car as I drop them off at school or take them to an appointment or activity. It may be only a few minutes, but I resolved a few years ago to capitalize on this uninterrupted time we had together.
Because I am naturally a talker who always needs to fill the void with words, I knew I had to give myself some guidelines if I was going to make this time worthwhile:
- I try to keep it quiet and free from distractions…that means no radio or music.
- I do not talk on my phone and ask them to not to talk or text unless absolutely necessary.
- I keep my eyes on the road and do not turn to look at them (even if what they say shocks or surprises me!).
- I often stay silent for the first few moments to see if they will talk first (usually they do!).
- If they do not start talking, I begin with a non-threatening, open-ended question such as:
What was the best/worst part of your day?
Tell me something funny that happened to you and your friends.
Which of your teachers drives you crazy and why?
If you had a totally free day to do what you wanted, what would you do?
- I try not to judge, critique or over-analyze what they share.
- I wait for them to ask me questions before offering any advice. If they don’t, I keep quiet (so very hard!).
- I try to end by telling them that I’m so glad we had the chance to talk…and remind them that I’m always available.
Does PARALLEL TALKING always work? Even if when I try to follow these guidelines?
In the interest of full disclosure I know I need to share with you my personal experience. I have one son (whose name I will graciously withhold), who is my least talkative and shares very little. I have been in the car with him on longer drives (30 minutes or more) waiting for him to say something, anything, just ONE WORD…and he has stayed silent the entire (excruciatingly long for me) time! True story. And it has happened more than once!
God has taught me so much about patience, waiting, and praying during those long stretches of complete silence. However, I think by not talking at him or trying to coax him into sharing, I have slowly, hopefully gained his respect. And I have learned a little more about him and how he works in the process. Because when he does talk…he usually has something worthwhile, heartfelt, and important to say. I just need to practice waiting for it!
Talking to our kids about certain subjects can be uncomfortable for us sometimes too. That is why I believe PARALLEL TALKING works well for both parent and child. Yes, there will be times when we need to sit down and have a face-to-face conversation, but if you want a simple way to engage and stay connected to your kids as you go about the every day routines of life, I would encourage you to try this easy and effective tool. (FYI…this method works with spouses, friends, and co-workers too!)
So as we begin this #MindfulMonday with purpose and intention, let’s try PARALLEL TALKING with someone in our lives this week. Please feel free share your experiences in the comments below!
I hope you found today’s post a mindful way to start your week with faith and purpose.
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