HOW TO LOVE YOUR KIDS ENOUGH TO LET THEM GO: A MOM’S GUIDE

Moms, are you holding on a bit too tightly today? It is so easy to do with our kids. But if our children could give utterance to the deep longings of their hearts, we might hear them simply ask: Do you love me enough to let me go? How do we learn to love our kids enough to let them go gracefully?

THE PAINFUL PROCESS OF LETTING OUR KIDS GO

From the moment we bring these precious gifts of God into our home, the train keeps moving on down the track…taking them further away as it goes.

Letting go.

It is intensely, painfully, sometimes excruciatingly, hard.

Oh yes, my heart aches for you, sweet mama, and I am all choked up with you, strong daddy.

As I face the prospect of letting my last little chick fly the nest–my baby and only girl–I took the time to revisit what I wrote just days after I took my oldest son to college over seven years ago…yikes! Time sure does fly. And even though I have done this three times already (with two other sons), I am here to tell you that the process of letting go of our kids does not get easier.

I realize that many of you are walking similar paths of trying desperately to release that vice grip of care and control. No judgment here. We are all there in one way or another.

My prayer is that in sharing my heart and my experience, we can gain the courage and strength to love our children enough to let them go.

MY PERSONAL STORY OF LETTING MY FIRST CHILD GO

THE DAY OF LETTING HIM GO

(This was written from my heart on August 23, 2014)

Well, it came and went. That thing that I had anticipated with a mixture of dread and excitement, pulling and pushing, fear and expectation, hanging on and letting go…

Yes, we took our firstborn to college this week.

I have friends who have been down this path who tried to talk me through it and prepare me, but just like bringing home your first child, no one can really tell you what it will be like.  You have to experience it for yourself.  You have to walk through it.

All the painful, agonizing way through it to the other side. And I did it.

WALKING THROUGH THE LETTING GO

Maybe not always willingly or gracefully, but I did walk:

• Through the shopping and packing.
• Through the “lasts” of everything.
• Through the tearful goodbyes.
• Through him hugging his siblings one last time.
• Through the loading up of all his stuff.
• Through the moving him into a new “home.”
• Through the long, lonely ride without him.
• Through the empty room, empty seat, empty place…

And I still have miles to go because the journey is not over for me (or even him) yet, I know.

I still have things to walk through.

It all happened so fast.  Yes, 18 years went by way too fast, but I am referring to the actual moving him in, setting up his room, and getting back into our car without him…that whole process took less than 6 hours. We did not expect to linger (the college was great at reminding parents NOT to do that), but they kept things moving so quickly that saying our final goodbyes came suddenly for me.  Like ripping off a Band-Aid too fast.

We hugged, he walked away, and I stood there watching and crying.  Just like that.

SONGS ABOUT LOVING OUR CHILDREN ENOUGH TO LET THEM GO

The next 24 hours were the hardest for me.  Lyrics from two of my favorite songs kept running through my head.

“ENOUGH TO LET ME GO” by Switchfoot

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through…

Breathe it in

And let it go

Every breath you take is not yours to own

It’s not yours to hold

Do you love me enough to let me go?

“LANDSLIDE” by Fleetwood Mac

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing

‘Cause I’ve built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older 

And I’m getting older too

Oh, I’m getting older too

Okay, so listening to those songs over and over may be a cruel form of self-torture, but it is okay because crying is not a bad thing.  It is part of the process of learning to let go. Of walking this new path.

My son is in a great place, of that, I am confident and sure.

This is the next, natural part of his life. My head logically tells me this. It is my heart that is struggling.

It is the next season as God designed it for both of us.

WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT LETTING OUR KIDS GO

The Bible tells us that there is a time for everything and that changing seasons and growth transitions are the natural pattern of all created things.

There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on earth.

A right time to embrace and another to part…

A right time to hold on and another to let go.”

Ecclesiastes 3: 1, 5,6 (The Message)

It is his time now. And I want him to go forth with eager anticipation, grabbing hold of all that God has for him, knowing that he is capable, prepared (despite having me as a mother for the past 18 years!), supported, and desperately loved.

It is also my time too.

To handle the changing seasons of my life.

To love him enough to let him go.

A MOM’S GUIDE TO LOVING ENOUGH TO LET GO

Whew! Okay, let me stop and take a breath because revisiting those emotions brought a lot to the surface. And, I still have to do it one more time…with my baby girl! But God has taught me some lessons along the way, and I would love to share those with you. Remember, this is a process for our kids and us! I pray you find this acrostic for LET GO helpful.

L – LETTING GO DOES NOT MEAN LOSING YOUR CHILD

One of the greatest fears we have in letting our kids go is that we will lose them forever. I found the complete opposite to be true! When we give them the freedom to go, they return with gratitude. When we hold on too tight, they resent us and stay distant.

E – EMBRACING CHANGE IS HEALTHY FOR BOTH YOU AND YOUR CHILD

Our kids learn most from what we do, not what we say. So, if we model how to gracefully grow and accept new challenges, seasons, and transitions, they will learn to do the same. They are scared of change, too, so we need to show them how to embrace it as the next exciting step in life.

T – TALKING THROUGH YOUR EMOTIONS HELPS

It is okay to be sad, to cry, and to feel the loss. You do not need to hide your emotions or pretend they do not exist. Talking about how we feel (without using guilt!) with our kids can be helpful and encourages them to share their feelings. Some of my best conversations with my kids happen when I am vulnerable and authentic.

G – GIVING YOUR CHILD TO GOD IS ONE OF THE BEST DECISIONS YOU CAN MAKE

Recognizing that our kids ultimately belong to God…and not us…can be a fundamental shift in helping us let go gracefully. When we realize that God created our kids, knows, and loves them better than we ever could, we can release them to His loving care.

O – OFFERING YOUR CHILD UNCONDITIONAL LOVE & SUPPORT WILL GIVE THEM THE CONFIDENCE THEY NEED TO SUCCEED

One of the greatest gifts we can give our kids as we let them go is our unconditional love and support. If we do too much for them, question their decisions, or hold on too tightly, we send the message that they are not capable of surviving without us. We need to walk alongside them through the process…and not ahead. This will give them the confidence to take the next right step on their own.

SUPPORT FOR MOMS WHO ARE LEARNING TO LET THEIR KIDS GO

If you, too, are on this journey of letting your kids go, I want to hear from you! Would you mind leaving a comment, sharing it on social media, or even letting a friend know? We can encourage one another as we walk through this together…oh, and you bring the tissues!  🙂

At the Crossroads is a community where you can meet others for hope and encouragement on your faith journey, and I would love to have you as a fellow traveler. Sign up by filling out the form below, and you will receive weekly blog posts, monthly newsletters, and access to over ten printables in my Faith Resource Library.