When it comes to developing friendships, are you using building blocks or wrecking balls?   If you want to build strong, authentic, and intimate connections, you need to avoid the 3 wrecking balls that will destroy a friendship.

It’s Mindful Monday, fellow travelers, and today we are going to dive into one of my favorite topics:

Friendship and Connection

Ove the past few years, I have had the wonderful opportunity and privilege to speak to many different groups of people about the power of connection and the necessity of building authentic, healthy, and strong friendships.

I believe this topic resonates because I often speak to women–and women are primarily relational beings (amen?).

God created women with an innate need to connect with others.   It is built into our DNA.  Think back to the Garden of Eden…

Adam was created first and got to work right away naming all the animals and taking care of the garden. The key word here is: “work.”  This is probably why when men meet each other for the first time they usually ask:  “What do you do?”     It is how God designed them.

As for Eve, she was created because God said it was not good for Adam to be alone. She was created for someone and was immediately put in the context of a relationship.

We, as women, define our lives by the strength of our connections. When women interact, many of their conversations revolve around people.  We ask each other questions about our children, husbands, friends, neighbors, and co-workers.  It is all about our relationships.

And it’s about our girlfriends too, right?

We seek the kind of women who will come alongside us and walk with us on the journey.  Whether we admit it or not, we long for friendship and connection.

That is really what AT THE CROSSROADS is all about…getting women to meet together where faith and life intersect to encourage, support, and inspire one another.

One of my favorite scripture verses that speaks to this is found in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 (The Message):

“So speak encouraging words to one another. Build up hope so you’ll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind.”

 We want to know that we are not alone, that we are all in this together, and that we have someone to encourage us.  We desire connection, communication, and commitment which are the foundational building blocks of healthy friendships.

However, there is another side to friendship, isn’t there?

Wrecking Balls

Wrecking balls are the things that destroy, tear down, and devastate relationships.  They are hard things to talk about, but they exist.

I have been on the receiving end of some of these wrecking balls (as I am sure you have) and the effects are painful, devastating, and long-lasting.

If am I truly honest, I have also been the one who has swung one or more of these wrecking balls into the foundation of connection, communication, and commitment…tearing down relationships I have spent years building.

So, what are the 3 wrecking balls that will damage and destroy a friendship? 

WRECKING BALL#1: COMPARISON

Comparison is the opposite of connection.  When we are dissatisfied with where we are on the path, it is so easy to start looking at those around us to see how we measure up.  Instead of championing our friends and their successes, we use the wrecking ball of comparison.  We easily get caught in the trap of comparing anything and everything: kids, spouses, physical attributes, career choices, houses, financial situations, spiritual lives, and even other friends!

There are only 2 ways to go when we compare:

• We feel better about ourselves and better than our friends which can lead to pride and a false sense of security.
• We feel worse about ourselves and start to feel less than others which can lead to jealousy and insecurity.

WRECKING BALL #2: COMPETITION

The reason is it so important to stop at comparison is that it often leads to this next wrecking ball: competition.

Why?

If you find yourself lacking when you compare yourself to a friend, you may start competing to “catch up” or to boost your self-esteem.  Rather than cooperate to build the friendship, recognizing that everyone has unique gifts and talents, we want to be more, have more, and do more (and not in a good way). 

For example, you may find yourself thinking these thoughts (or–gasp!–saying them out loud):

• She may be a hands-on, fun mom, but her house is always a mess. I am a better homemaker.
• She may work out every day and look great in her jeans, but I spend my time on things that build my character like volunteering and charity events. 
• She may have an important job and financial success, but I have made bigger sacrifices for the sake of my family.

Or you may be feeling that you are already superior, but let me tell you…it’s hard work to stay on top!

You are almost forced to compete to maintain your status.  It’s exhausting, girls!  For you and for your friends.

It also destroys any chance of intimacy or authenticity.   How can you be real, honest and vulnerable with someone who you see as your competitor?   It cannot be done.

WRECKING BALL # 3: CRITICISM

Moving from competition to criticism is almost inevitable because it is an easy place to go to when we fail and feel miserable about ourselves.

When we don’t measure up or grow weary of competing, our natural tendency is to criticize.  Unfortunately, many women are experts at using words as weapons.

Criticism, according to Webster’s dictionary, is defined as the act of expressing disapproval and of noting the problems or faults of a person or thing.

When some of your conversations start with things like:

• “I can’t believe that she…”
• “I would never…”
• “Did you hear/see what she…”

When you give in to criticism, 3 things happen:

• You display your ego and insecurity.
• You set the standard by which you will be judged.
• You alienate people.

Instead of communicating with our friends by speaking the truth in love, we tear down with words that cut and bite…either to their faces or behind their backs.  Critics often have a very difficult time keeping friends because once you get a reputation as someone who talks negatively about others, people will avoid you.

We need to champion, cooperate, and communicate instead of compare, compete, and criticize if we are seeking to connect with other women. Philippians 4:2-4 (The Message) tells us how to do this:

“Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends.  Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top.  Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead.  Don’t be obsessed with your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.”

So my challenge on this Mindful Monday to all of us who desire to build strong and healthy friendships is this: are you using building blocks or wrecking balls?

If you liked today’s post, you might enjoy my e-book, The Power of Connection. I would be happy to give it to you if you contact me and sign up to be an email subscriber!