Who likes hearing “no”? Not many of us. And it hurts when God says no to something we have asked for, pleaded for, or even begged for. Confused, hurt, and angry, we long for an explanation. The truth is that some of God’s answers to us will be no, so how do we respond when that happens?
WHEN GOD SAYS NO
We all have experienced those heart-wrenching moments when we cry to God to do something we know is humanly impossible: heal a sick loved one, rescue a wayward child, provide the financial resources, open a womb, or free a friend from the grips of addiction. Those are good reasons to cry out to God for help. And we should.
But sometimes, even our purest prayers are unfulfilled. Sometimes God’s answer to our heartfelt requests is no.
I distinctly remember when God whispered a gentle no after almost two years of presenting my request to Him. It was soul-crushing. He had given me sign after sign, confirmation through His Word, godly counsel from respected mentors, and it still took me another three months to accept His answer.
I went through all of the wrestling and questioning:
- Is there another way?
- How about just a bit more time?
- Do you really mean no or just wait?
- Do you know how much this means to me?
- Why don’t you intervene?
But He definitively and forcefully shut the door. And I still feel the sting.
I could not wrap my head around how this was part of God “working all things for my good” (Romans 8:28) when all I experienced was emptiness and brokenness.
I would love to tell you that now that I am on the other side of that “no,” I completely understand what God did and why He did it.
But I am still in the middle of this story, trusting that His ways are better than mine, His plans are perfect, and His promises are true.
So, as I process this no from God, I want to learn from it.
REASONS WHY GOD SAYS NO
I am coming to grips with the reality that I may never comprehend why God says no on this side of eternity. In her article for The Gospel Coalition, Melissa Kruger explains that “the problem is our limited understanding, not the truth of God’s promises.”
When God refuses our requests, it feels harsh.
When He withholds that which we prayed for, it seems unfair.
When God denies the desire of our hearts, it makes us feel unloved.
And yet, Elisabeth Elliot challenges us to look at all the ways God says no as merciful.
Do you know the difference between grace and mercy? Grace is receiving what we do not deserve, and mercy is withholding (usually punishment) what we do deserve.
Interesting, isn’t it?
We think that God is keeping the good from us (at least that is where my mind always goes), but He is withholding to protect us and provide something even better.
- Maybe that door you want to walk through only leads to more pain and disappointment.
- Maybe that sting of rejection is to lead you to where you are supposed to be.
- Maybe that person who left you is to provide space for others to be part of your life.
I don’t know…but God does.
...The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.”
Psalm 84:11 (NLT)
When God says no, it hurts. And we may not understand the why’s and how’s of what He is doing, but we can trust His heart.
Theologian J. I. Packer offers the following insights:
Perhaps he means to strengthen us in patience, good humor, compassion, humility or meekness . . . Perhaps he has new lessons in self-denial and self-distrust to teach us. Perhaps he wishes to break us of complacency or undetected forms of pride and conceit. Perhaps His purpose is simply to draw us closer to himself . . . Or perhaps God is preparing us for forms of service of which at present we have no inkling.
J.I. Packer, Knowing God
Of course, we would rather learn these lessons in other less painful ways, but we can choose to accept God’s no’s as severe mercies, trusting God will never withhold what is good from us.
WHEN GOD SAYS NO: A LESSON FROM HABAKKUK
Believe it or not, I spent some time studying the book of Habakkuk this summer. Haba-who? That’s what I thought too!😉 But this obscure prophet taught me a lot about how to respond when God says no.
The Bare Bones Bible Handbook gives us some helpful background:
Toward the end of the kingdom of Judah, things had gone from bad to worse. Good King Josiah had been killed in battle, and all the reforms he put in place during his reign were quickly perverted by a rapid succession of bad kings…This unchecked wickedness causes Habbukuk, a little known prophet…to question God’s silence and apparent lack of of judgment…Habakkuk asks ‘Why?…He has a problem understanding God’s ways.”
The Bare Bones Bible Handbook, pp.157-8
I love how Habakkuk is open and transparent with his feelings. He cries out to God with his complaint, which seems reasonable and justified. The prophet questions God’s lack of intervention and wants Him to fix things.
How long, O Lord, must I call for help?
Habbukuk 1:2-4 (NLT)
But you do not listen!
‘Violence is everywhere!’ I cry,
but you do not come to save.
Must I forever see these evil deeds?
Why must I watch all this misery?
Wherever I look,
I see destruction and violence.
I am surrounded by people
who love to argue and fight.
The law has become paralyzed,
and there is no justice in the courts.
The wicked far outnumber the righteous,
so that justice has become perverted.
Habakkuk’s prayer was well-meaning, yet God gave an unexpected answer.
The Bible does not tell us what Habakkuk wanted God to do. Still, I am pretty sure he did not expect God to say that He would punish His people by allowing them to be carried away as captives to Babylon, a nation more wicked than they were (see Habakkuk 1:5-17). He probably thought God would soften the bad kings’ hearts, convict the people of their sin, or compassionately intervene with mercy.
Confused and frustrated with God’s plan, Habakkuk continues to question God:
O Lord my God, my Holy One, you who are eternal—
Habakkuk 1: 12-13 (NLT)
surely you do not plan to wipe us out?
O Lord, our Rock, you have sent these Babylonians to correct us,
to punish us for our many sins.
But you are pure and cannot stand the sight of evil.
Will you wink at their treachery?
Should you be silent while the wicked
swallow up people more righteous than they?“
Now his questions get a little more desperate:
- Are you going to let an evil nation wipe us out?
- Are we not your people? Will you not rescue us?
- Are you going to watch as the wicked swallow up the righteous?
When God says no to our solutions for our problems, we feel like Habakkuk.
Just like the prophet, we can come to God with our real complaints, ask Him to intervene in the situation, and then are devastated when He chooses to ignore our solution to the problem completely!
Our cause may be noble, genuine, and for the good of others, and it may involve justice, truth, and mercy.
Yet, sometimes God says no…not that way.
So, what does Habakkuk teach us to do when God’s answer is no?
3 WAYS TO RESPOND WHEN GOD SAYS NO
LAMENT THROUGH
One of the most important lessons I have learned as I try to accept when God says no is to honor my losses. Grief is a natural response when we must let go of something for which we have prayed and yearned.
It is easy to brush off our losses because grief is complicated and messy, and we live in a culture that tells us to move on quickly.
Lament simply means to mourn out loud. To give voice to your heartbreak, sorrow, and grief. It is what Habakkuk did when he laid his issues before the Lord.
MaryLynn Johnson encourages us with these thoughts in her Desiring God post,
It’s not wrong to experience disappointment when life does not unfold the way we hope. If we do not give ourselves permission to grieve, we inadvertently believe that God is more concerned with us immediately feeling better, rather than working through the hurt to bring real transformation to our heart. We lose sight of the invitation he has given us to place our struggles at his feet.”
MaryLynn Johnson, Desiring God
When we take time to lament, we make space to lean into God even in our disappointment and questioning.
It is not merely to complain or vent but to come to a place where we reconnect with God and His promises.
LOOK UP
After we take the time to lament our losses, we need to look up to God and remember what is true about who He is.
One of my dear mentors always reminds me of this when I am wrestling with why’s:
When we cannot understand what God is doing, we can always trust His character.
Even though Habakkuk did not understand why God chose to act as He did, he did not forget who God was: a covenant-keeping God who fulfilled His promises to His people. That is why he was able to conclude confidently:
Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
Habakkuk 3:17-19 (NLT)
and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
and the cattle barns are empty,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
able to tread upon the heights.
Even when God says no, He is still with us and has only the best for us.
LIVE FORWARD
I am not going to tell you that I have come to fully accept and embrace God’s no in my current situation, but I am hopeful that as I take the next right step, I am making my way toward a better yes.
I echo these sentiments of C.S. Lewis:
We are not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
C.S. Lewis
When we choose to live life forward, we can let go of things we thought we needed to keep. Although God’s slammed door might be a severe mercy, it is still a mercy.
It allows us to see that when God says no, it is for our protection, purpose, and peace.
Just like a loving human father who deprives his child of the sugary treats that will ruin his health, God withholds because He has so much better ahead for us.
When we accept God’s divine no, we make room in our lives to receive the fullness of His presence and blessings.
God’s no to our prayers is always a yes to his providential purposes. We can hold fast to him, knowing that he hears us, he cares for us, and he is always at work. He does not forget us or fail us just because he tells us no.“
Melissa Kruger, The Gospel Coalition
IS GOD SAYING NO TO YOU?
If you hear God’s no today, dear friend, I pray that my experience has given you hope for the journey. I am walking beside you as I offer my lament, looking to God’s promises as I try to live life forward…awaiting a new yes.
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My heart is to help as many people connect faith and life in practical, purposeful, and powerful ways. And I would love to have you along for the journey!
This message taught me well. When God says no its a no. We just need to be humble and accept it.
Hearing a “no” from God is not easy but understanding that He is always working for our good helps. Prayers for you on your faith journey!