Longing for connection with others? Do you know that there are things you should do (as well as things you should avoid) in order to build strong and healthy connections?
CONNECTION SERIES
Welcome to Mindful Monday and the last week of our CONNECTION SERIES. A huge thank you to all of you who have been such an encouragement to me throughout this process! I have appreciated hearing from you and your stories of CONNECTION.
We started several weeks ago by exploring these topics:
- Why we feel so DISCONNECTED IN A CONNECTED WORLD.
- Why we must SEEK GOD FIRST AT THE PLACE OF CONNECTION.
- How we can CHOOSE A PATH THAT WILL LEAD TO CONNECTION.
- How we look for and FIND THE PEOPLE OF CONNECTION.
As we end this series, I wanted to give you some practical wisdom and advice that I have collected over the years from studying God’s Word and closely following people who know how to connect well.
THE TOP TEN DO’s and DON’T’S OF BUILDING STRONG PERSONAL CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS
1) DO BE YOURSELF.
Figure out what kind of person you are and what you are looking for in a connection. Is it personal, professional, seasonal? Know your personality and your strengths and weaknesses so that they are not barriers to connection. When you pursue things that fit who you are, you have a good chance of meeting like-minded people. Above all, be honest with yourself and others!
2) DO INITIATE & BE INTENTIONAL.
By the time you come home from a long day of work and errands, you may have little energy left to develop connections with those outside of your immediate family. .But if there is already an “appointment” on the calendar, you can’t miss it. Schedule regular phone calls, lunches, days out, and connection points with people in your life. If you are seeking new connections, the next time you go to a social gathering, tell yourself you want to leave with one new friend (or maybe even just one). That way, you’ll be more open to meeting people and starting in-depth conversations instead of just smiling and keeping to yourself.
3) DO EMBRACE DIFFERENCES.
Think outside of the box. Most of us do not have much trouble finding the Barnabas/Barbie (think bosom buddy, best friend, etc.) in our lives, but why limit yourself to only these connections? You could just as easily hit it off with an elderly neighbor or a younger co-worker if you have enough in common. Be open to forming new relationships with coworkers, neighbors, and classmates, no matter who they appear to be. Embrace and celebrate what makes each person unique and how that can enrich your life.
4) DO LISTEN MORE AND TALK LESS.
When you are just starting to get to know someone, foster intimacy by talking about something more profound than the weather. Once you have been talking for a while, try asking open-ended questions that allow the person to share something meaningful about him or herself. And listen to the answers! You can build trust by being a good listener and fostering healthy communication.
5) DO SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE.
While it is essential to listen, you also have to be able to speak openly and honestly–with truth and grace. There is nothing like a person who can tell it to you straight, and we all need those people in our lives! When a friend asks you a question about a new job or relationship, try to be as open as possible. Take them to the truth of God’s word. Pray with and for all the connections you have in your life.
6) DON’T USE SOCIAL MEDIA AS A SUBSTITUTE.
Social media cannot substitute for real connections. Although Facebook can be a great way to strengthen old ties or keep in touch with friends who live far away, one study found that posting mass status updates (“Just ate breakfast! Delish!”) doesn’t do much to build close relationships. Twitter, texting, Instagram, and Snapchat all have their uses too, but if you are serious about connecting with someone, you need to make the time and space for face to face interaction.
7) DON’T GIVE UP.
It takes a level of risk and putting yourself out there to initiate and seek a new connection. And sometimes it does not work out. But when you invite a new friend to coffee or a movie, and they turn you down, don’t freak out. Maybe they are busy with work; maybe family relationships already take up too much time; maybe it actually isn’t you after all. Try a few times before you move on. Also, all friendships go through valleys. Life transitions (such as a move, new job, or baby) will temporarily change the relationship. Fight for the relationship if it is worth saving, and be there for your friend by being supportive of the changes in his/her life.
8) DON’T HANG ONTO THINGS.
Extend and seek forgiveness. So Sara forgot your last birthday, and Mark canceled at the last minute. As hurtful as their seeming lack of interest might be, try to cut your friends some slack. Instead of assuming they don’t care about your relationship anymore, consider that they might just be overwhelmed with work or family responsibilities (and remember that you’ve probably been in the same situation yourself!). Also, it is okay to tell them how you feel as long as you are willing to accept their answers and move on.
9) DON’T CLOSE YOUR HEART AFTER YOU HAVE BEEN HURT.
In keeping with some of the things mentioned above, it is easy to build up walls to protect ourselves after a friend has wounded us. Sometimes friendships run their course and are only for a season. That is okay. Do not force a relationship if it is over. With God’s help, you can let go and learn to open your heart again. Maybe you needed to go through the pain and hurt to understand what you need/want in a relationship and what to look for in the next connection.
10) DON’T FORGET TO PASS ON WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED.
Use the pain, joy, loss, and intimacy of your relationships to mentor others on the path of connection. You will foster more authentic and healthier friendships when you share openly. Model love and grace amid hurt, offer support during trials, and be willing to pray for and about your relationships. Consider mentoring someone as a positive and useful way to connect. You can be that Paul/Paula to someone who is coming up behind you on the journey!
THREE CONCLUDING LESSONS ON BUILDING CONNECTION
If I could condense what we have learned throughout this CONNECTION SERIES into three simple lessons for you to remember, it would be these:
1) SEEK GOD AT THE PLACE OF CONNECTION.
This begins by acknowledging that God designed us with an innate need to connect and seeking him first to learn how to connect with ourselves and others.
2) WALK THE PATH OF CONNECTION BY FAITH.
Connecting our lives with our faith allows us to trust God’s leading. We can find the path he has chosen for us and walk it with passion and purpose.
3) SUPPORT EACH OTHER BY BEING PEOPLE OF CONNECTION.
If we want to find people of connection, we must learn to champion, collaborate, and communicate with others who are walking ahead, beside, and behind us.
NEVER TOO LATE TO CONNECT!
If you have been encouraged by this blog series on CONNECTION and want to continue to learn how to connect with God and others, please consider becoming an email subscriber. You will receive weekly posts, free resources, and opportunities to meet and collaborate.
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