Have you ever started something with such confidence and enthusiasm only to hit a brick wall? That is where I have been the last few months: stuck at the crossroads, questioning everything.
When I launched my new website almost 4 months ago, I was excited, hopeful, and full of purpose and intention. I wrote passionately about Nehemiah rebuilding the wall and believed God had brought me to a place in my life of rebuilding. I rolled up my sleeves, worked diligently, and fought the doubts and fear.
Things were going pretty well. Until the bottom fell out.
The obstacles and opposition came…and kept coming (and I knew they would!). I actually wrote about this. Nehemiah faced huge obstacles and people who wanted to kill him; who was I to think that rebuilding would be easy and trouble-free? God explicitly told me that it would not be.
But I was overwhelmed. I got knocked down a few times, got back up, steadied myself, and…wham! It happened again. And again. The attacks were so personal. So hurtful. So unexplainable. At times, I could barely catch my breath. The best description I can give is sinking in vast, murky pit, trying desperately to fight one’s way to the top to gasp for air, only to be violently pushed back under the blackness. This cycle has been relentless.
So, instead of pushing through like Nehemiah, I broke down like Elijah.
In 1 Kings 19 Elijah flees for his life after Jezebel threatens him. He ends up in the desert begging God to take his life. Not a pretty picture or his best moment.
“When Elijah saw how things were, he ran for dear life to Beersheba, far in the south of Judah. He left his young servant there and then went on into the desert another day’s journey. He came to a lone broom bush and collapsed in its shade, wanting in the worst way to be done with it all—to just die: “Enough of this, God! Take my life—I’m ready to join my ancestors in the grave!” Exhausted, he fell asleep under the lone broom bush.”
~1 Kings 19:3-5
If you saw me the past two months, you would also say I resemble Elijah and not Nehemiah. I have been hiding, licking my wounds, immobilized at the crossroads.
Running not fighting.
Doubting not believing.
Isolating not connecting.
Escaping not confronting.
Weeping not rejoicing.
I openly confess I am doing all the very things that I write about NOT doing.
Yes, I can counsel others when they are broken, discouraged, and losing hope, but it is increasingly difficult to preach the same message to myself.
So, for those of you who have shown me concern and compassion the past two months, asking where I have been and when I will be writing again…this post is an attempt to give you some sort of an explanation.
I wish I had more answers to give. I wish I knew what God wanted me to do. I wish this story had a better ending.
But the reality is…I am still stuck at the crossroads.
I do not know if I can keep writing. I do not know if what I am doing is making any difference. I do not know if this is the path God has for me right now.
That is why I have been silent.
I promised God when I began writing a few years ago that I would not write if He did not give me something to say. Throughout this break, I have continued to pour out my heart to God, filling journals with words from the deepest places of my soul, but I am not sure if these thoughts are what God wants me to share with the world. They come from such a place of brokenness and pain that I do not know if He can use them.
So I wait…and I ask for your patience and understanding.
Forgive me if I have disappointed you or let you down in any way. I am always here for those of you who need me.
I also welcome your feedback, input, and suggestions. Honestly, I do! More than ever I need AT THE CROSSROADS to be a place of connection. Hearing from you will be instrumental in helping me move forward in a constructive and positive way. I believe God can and often uses people to speak words of truth…so you may be one of those people for me!
In the meantime, I am writing a few guest posts, speaking, and teaching a Bible study at my church. I am trying to take the next right step by faithfully loving and serving the people God has placed in my life.
If you too feel stuck at the crossroads, please know that you are not alone. I encourage you to reach out to someone today…it may be hardest and scariest thing to do, but it might just also be the first step to getting back on the right path.
I am praying for you…as I humbly ask you to pray for me.
I do not yet know where God will lead, but, for now, I need to be content as I wait for Him to guide me to the next step at the crossroads.
Grace & Peace to each of you,